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tpc ♥ ily

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[March 26, 2010 | 10:19 AM]
I don't really remember the last time I updated this thing. I'm bored waiting for class to start and decided to kill time doing this.

Nothing's really new. My life is so routine and boring. I don't do anything besides go to work or go to class. I guess that's why I can't wait for summer. I can't wait for my friends to be home and to have plans all the time. Not to mention everything is better in the summer. Everyone's happier. Everyone.

I guess I should mention that I really want a new job. I don't have any friends there anymore (like one or two), and I just hate that place. Especially in the summer...it's all hot and gross. I really don't enjoy that job. I just enjoy the money. But honestly, at this point, I'd settle for a job that pays less just to get out of that miserable place.

I'd say the only good thing in my life is my boyfriend. He is the greatest boy ever, seriously, and I don't know what I would do without him. Sometimes I wonder if I could've made it through this first year of college without him, and then I conclude that I couldn't have. Not in a million years. He's my wub. :)

Anyways, this keyboard is awful to type on so I'm gonna peace the h out. Lataaaa.

[August 14, 2009 | 06:48 AM]
"i would walk to the other side of the earth and back for you."

i would too....just not for you.
and i hate myself for it.

maybe i'll sleep when i am dead. [August 13, 2009 | 10:06 PM]
i hate this place so much. i hate everything about it. i hate getting into my car and looking down the street only to see sam keep at the end of it, and being reminded of how routine and pointless my life is and how eventually after i waste all my days away i'll end up there, and that'll be home. (i feel like this after only THREE months of employment there btw.)

i hate driving around town and seeing houses of all the people i USED to be close with and being reminded of how i don't even know them anymore.

i hate the fact that i don't get to leave for college and escape all my problems. i have to stay here and fucking sit in them. and other people just make it worse, and in five days they'll leave and not have to worry about it. wish it was that easy for me.

i hate that i'm such a fucking doormat. i'm so afraid that if i fight back i'll lose the people i love. but in reality, i shouldn't even love the people that i do because they treat me like shit. it really sucks because i so badly want to just be like.. "fuck you, i'm done." but the reality is, is that they'd probably be okay with that. and i guess that is what scares me.

i hate that i can't even listen to music, or go to the mall, or watch a movie without my curiousity finding one person. its ridiculous. and i hate that i let myself get like this again. i sat through a whole winter of wanting to kill myself because i just could not get happy, and now i'm practically sitting in the same spot again. except now its worse because my friends won't be here to help me through it. so what do i do then?

there are some people who are staying that i wish were leaving. there's even more people leaving that i wish were staying.

i'm scared. work & school, no friends...no REAL friends i mean. a new fucking school. a more serious school, and no one but mom, dad, and sadie. can't hardly wait.

[July 22, 2009 | 12:01 AM]
i hope no one else, at any point in their life, sees a picture of themselves, or looks in the mirror and feels completely disgusted with what they're seeing, and what they've become.

[May 28, 2009 | 08:16 PM]
i haven't felt like this since april. that feeling of waking up and feeling like there was no point in getting out of bed. nothing to look forward to. nothing to accomplish.

it scares me. i haven't gotten my transcripts or anything sent to jcc yet. i guess i have to take a placement test by tomorrow? fun stuff. im not even sure if i get tuition there free anymore. who knows if my grades are good enough due to all my slacking. which by the way i am probably three weeks behind in spanish, and a week and a half behind in psych.

work is scary and intimidating. i can't believe i asked for this this summer. i mean, it's money, sure. but i've been pretty content without money. oh well, i guess we all have to grow up sometime. but why did i pick such a scary job for my first one. i mean, you can't make mistakes. if you do, you get in trouble. and you're on three month probation. i mean, the work isn't hard, but there's a lot to remember, and there's a lot of room for error. i just hope i get to be good friends with some of the people there before cassie, chelsie, and elizabeth leave.

i feel really overwhelmed with life. not only is all of that really stressful, but my relationships are stressing me out too. i don't know, i want to graduate, but i feel like things will only get harder afterward. life is fucking scary sometimes. and i've been on the verge of a breakdown for days. i'm just waiting..

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